Delusions of Grandma

I find myself being sucked in to every display of baby clothes and toys, especially little girl ones.

I was standing in front of a rack of tiny, frilly pink dresses in Walt Disney World, enthusing yet again recently. "Isn't this cute? Feel this fabric - isn't it soft?"

"Mom. You don't need it. She doesn't need it." My son has appointed himself as my voice of reason.

"Sure she does!"

"Mom. No. Walk away."

I try and explain that he's fighting a losing battle. This behavior is encoded on my DNA. "Come on. I'm a grandma."

"No, you're not."

"Yes, I am!"

Dramatic sigh from my teenager. "You are not a grandparent. You have delusions of grandma."

OK. So the child in question is not related to me, by blood, marriage or adoption. I did not give birth to or raise her mother. I've never even met her father. She does, however, belong to us, to my whole family, as do her blood relatives.

The "she" in question is Lilya Jade, cherubic daughter of my oldest child's oldest friend. We have considered her mother part of our family since she was seven years old. Her sister, whom we also claim, was six; my girls were also six and seven. Now Lilya is also part of our family.

Most people have someone in their lives that they consider family without benefit of blood or legal ties. Those of us who are blessed to have many of these people in our lives know how valuable they are. Most people aren't too puzzled by this concept.

Of course, sometimes they are. I remember perplexing my best friend's mother. "Why do Sharon's children call you Aunt Ariane?" she'd asked. During high school, her daughter and I were inseparable. Years after their editor referred to Woodward and Bernstein as "Woodstein" (but years before the press felt the need to coin a combined name for every celebrity couple), we were collectively known as "Shariane." How could she not be my children's aunt?

The G-word, though, is so fraught with emotional baggage, so tied up in feelings about age and aging, that I'm finding that people react strongly and unpredictably to it.

When my daughter got married, a friend asked me, "So, are you ready to be a grandmother?" She was undoubtedly planning on ribbing me about how old I was, because she seemed surprised by my answer – "Oh, yeah."

She stared blankly at me for a moment, then said, "No, you're not."

"Yes, I am."

"No, you're not!" she insisted. "You still have kids at home."

I never thought that being a grandparent was the exclusive domain of empty nesters. I was 11 and my sister was 14 when our older sister made us aunts. My mother was 47, and it wasn't even her oldest child having the baby. My friend Jacquie loved it when her aunt came to visit; her aunt was almost exactly her age. I'd known since I was first pregnant that my kids could be past their teen years and married, and still make me a grandparent in my thirties, and I wasn't a teenage parent.

I do not understand people who equate being a grandparent to having one foot in the grave. I will never be one of those people who makes up a ridiculous nickname – "Call me Mumu" – to avoid the G-word. Names in other languages – Abuela, Nonno – are great, but denial is not.

Still, only one of my friends had children when I did (she's a grandparent twice over, and loves it), so many of my friends from childhood do not want to hear the G-word. Several of my close friends from school have oldest children younger than my youngest. My kids have been making them feel old for years, so I should have seen this coming. I didn't.

"Don't even mention grandkids! My child is still in elementary school!" one friend said to me. My child was still in elementary school as well, but she was my youngest. My oldest was a married woman.

I'm hoping that I never become one of those parents who leans on their kids to produce offspring, but I'm also not telling them to put it off. Sometimes that baffles even my kids. When one of my daughters asked me about it, I pointed out to her that I married young and had kids immediately. "That's why you're supposed to tell us to avoid it! You're supposed to be telling us how you did it all wrong, and how we shouldn't make your mistakes!" she said. I have made many mistakes, but my family isn't one of them.

Meanwhile, little Lilya was a surprise for her lovely mama. She didn't think she'd be having kids this soon. Life does that to you. I like the Yiddish saying that man plans, and God laughs. Families expand and contract despite our plans, our wishes, our expectations. Change can be very good.

She'll be turning one in a matter of weeks. She lives hundreds of miles away, so we won't be attending a party, taking photos or watching her tear into a cake made by her Auntie Terry. Probably because of that, I find myself over-shopping. I could send this! Or this! Or both! I should just send an easily mailable, useful gift certificate, but I won't. It is useless to tell a grandparent not to shop for a birthday.

Delusions indeed. Is that any way to talk about Lilya's Grandma Sharon?

Siblings

A friend of ours has a household full of daughters. When she and her husband married, they each had a daughter from their first marriages. They then had three more together, and are currently raising a niece as well. I made mention not too long ago of the fact that my brother and sister were from my mother's first marriage. "I've been meaning to ask you about that," she said. She told me that she and her husband worried that their girls would have issues with each other. Their niece looks very different from the others, one girl lives part time with her mother, and one girl's father recently died. Add normal sibling squabbles, and you have potential for resentment. They worried that the girls would pick on each other and form alliances against one another based on who their parents were. "What was it like for you growing up?" she wanted to know.

I cannot remember a time when I didn't know that my brother and sister had a different father. They look very much like their Italian dad, for one thing, whereas my father's two daughters look almost Nordic. My brother retained his original last name. It was just another fact of my life, like our address. I thought nothing of it.

I also knew, from the time I was a small child, that their father did not come to visit them and they did not go to visit him. They never even got birthday cards or phone calls. I also knew that my dad preferred it that way – he and Frankie, Lynne and Gary's dad, did not get along. Now I wonder how different the family dynamic would have been if Frankie had been a familiar presence. At the time, I never went any deeper than the explanation that Frankie was an alcoholic, and one of the reasons my mother divorced him was that he ignored his children, or broke promises made to them. She'd told many times the story of the day she first decided she would leave him. He'd promised the kids that they would go to the park after he got off work. She assumed that this would be another empty promise, but the kids were excited to go out with their dad. After work, he went to the bar instead of coming home, and she knew that. She assumed that they didn't. As time went by, they clamored to go to the park, and she put them off by telling them that Dad wasn't home yet. She figured they'd assume he was still at work. When the response was, "Well, why don't we just go pick him up? He'll be at the bar," she realized that the kids were fully aware of where their dad was, and that the bar was more important to him than they were.

I knew my dad thought of Frankie's two kids differently than he did his own two. That knowledge wasn't integral to my being, though. It came gradually over the years. His relationship with Gary was always problematic. I was sure then, and still am, that part of it was because Gary was a boy. More particularly, he was Frankie's son. It bothered Dad that the only other male in the household was not his son. I was, and am, sure that he'd wanted me to be a boy. I was pretty much his last chance, born when he was retiring and the finances were already stretched unbearably – born, I think, to give him one last chance at a boy, and to even the score at 2/2. I always knew he loved me, but I was also sure he'd had his fingers crossed for a boy.

I barely remember when Gary had his own room. When I was young, one room was Lynne's, one was June's and mine. Gary slept on the living room couch and stowed all his belongings behind it. Still, I thought of that as a space issue. The house only had three bedrooms. I remember sleeping in a crib in my parents' room, and I remember the first time I slept anywhere else. When I was three, they moved me in with my sisters. The girls' bedroom had a double bed that Lynne and June shared. They put me in the middle, and I was miserable. I was cramped and hot, and the others kept pulling the covers up over my face. I slept badly and hated it. It was shortly after that that Gary moved onto the couch and Lynne got his room. I assumed it was a move to keep all three of us girls from having to share. It wasn't, but I didn't know that until much later. He'd actually moved out of the house, and then back in. I was sure that keeping me from having to spend my life sleeping in the middle was an obvious goal.

Still, it didn't really sink in how differently Dad saw us until I was fifteen or sixteen. We had a family friend over, and Dad said something to him about "my stepson." I was baffled. I kept turning it over and over in my mind. Dad had never been married before. There were only the four of us kids. He always referred to Lynne as "my daughter," just as he did June and me. I could not for the life of me figure out who he was talking about. It took me probably twenty minutes or more of puzzling before the lightbulb went on in my head. He meant my brother! That was the only time I ever heard him use that term, although I can't recall him ever saying, "my son." Usually he referred to Gary by name.

I always adored Gary and Lynne. I thought that Lynne was the most wonderful person in the world, and I wanted to be just like her. I was three years old at my brother's high school graduation, and I remember being upset that a bigger fuss wasn't made over him during the ceremony. They just read his name, and he walked across the stage, just like everybody else. I thought he should at least get to speak or they should talk about him or something! After all, HE was the important one, and everybody else was just kind of there, too.

I loved it when either one of them got to babysit. Gary played games, and Lynne once walked with us all the way to 7-11 to get lunch – what an adventure! Plus it was new, exotic food – Spaghettios with sliced hot dogs in it! What a gourmet meal! What an adventure!

When I was in first grade, some of the kids in my class were talking about nationalities. One boy volunteered that he was Italian. "My brother and sister are Italian," I told him. "Well, that means that you're Italian, too," he said. Nope, I told him. I was German, Polish, English, Irish, Scottish and Welsh. "If your brother and sister are Italian, then you are too!" he insisted. No, I told him, I'm not. I was having a bit of fun with this game, but he was becoming more and more agitated, so I decided to reveal my trump card, proving I was right. "They have a different father than I do. Their father is Italian," I told him.

He calmed down once the mystery was explained. "Oh, they're not your real brother and sister, then," he said. Now, I was a mousy, timid child, scared of my own shadow, but I was infuriated. No one had ever said such an insulting thing to me in my life. "YES, they ARE!" I ripped into this poor kid. We had the SAME mother, we lived in the SAME family, and nobody had any right to tell me that my brother and sister WEREN'T my brother and sister! The poor boy stared at me with his eyes getting wider and wider as I ranted, and finally stammered an apology. I don't think anybody in my class had ever seen me stand up to anyone before. I stopped yelling, but inwardly I seethed. I don't think I ever really forgave him.

When I went home full of indignation and told my mom, she told me that some people thought that way. She told me that the technical term for what Lynne and Gary were to me was "half brother" and "half sister," but we'd just never called them that. If I ever got into a nationality argument again, she said, I could explain it that way. I thought that was the most ridiculous thing I'd ever heard. "Half" brother? "Half" sister? It was absurd. How can you have half a brother or sister?

Gary and Lynne, on the other hand, had every reason to resent June and I. For one thing, they always had chores, and we, the younger two, didn't. People have grown to hate each other over less. But as far as I ever saw, it never affected the way they thought about us. They didn't care who our dad was, or who took out the trash or fed the pets - we were their baby sisters. I asked them, and my mother as well, after we were all grown, if they actually resented us and just did a good job of hiding it. They both had looked rather puzzled that I'd asked, and assured me that no, they never thought of it that way. Mom too was sure that they never thought any such thing. I suppose that could be unusual, but probably not. Children don't usually have the same issues that adults do.

Gary was a scenic and wildlife photographer. I was fascinated by that. His regular job was working in a garage, and I bragged to everyone that he was a mechanic. I thought that was very impressive. He was actually the parts counter guy, a job he'd have off and on all his life, but I was blown away by the fact that he knew what all the parts of an engine were, and how to fix things. Dad didn't, and he was older. That to me said that Gary was very smart (which, actually, he is).

I was so enthralled by his photos, and the trips he took to take them. When a photo would appear in a magazine, he'd give Mom a copy, and I was delighted. Once, his photo was even on the COVER of a magazine. It was great! I was star struck. For Christmas the year I was eight, he bought me my own camera. I had never owned anything so wonderful and grown-up in my whole life! I loved it. It went everywhere with me. I soon learned that I had an "eye" for photography. Everyone else loved my photos, but the praise I craved the most was Gary's. He was a REAL photographer.

After Lynne moved out, I loved it when I could go to her apartment, or shopping, or out to lunch with her. I loved her car, a red VW bug. I wanted one just like it when I grew up. I wanted to be just like her, but she was so pretty. I knew I'd never be as pretty as she was.

When I was ten, I got to be a bridesmaid in Lynne's wedding. It was so glamorous! We shopped for beautiful, floor length dresses. Lynne and Mom finally made them, which was even better. I loved my yellow dress with its lace trim. I loved being important on such a special occasion. I even walked first down the aisle, a prospect that was terrifying but became doable after Lynne assured me that she knew I could do it. We pressed my bouquet of yellow and white carnations, and stored them in the box with my dress, under the bed in Mom's room.

When I was eleven, Lynne made me an aunt. I was so excited! Plus, none of my classmates were aunts. I felt special. I remember clearly going into my fifth grade teacher and telling her about my niece's birth, along with her full name and the fact that she was my sister's daughter. I remember even more clearly the phone call announcing her arrival the night before, after I'd already been put to bed. Mom came in to tell June and I that the eagerly anticipated baby was here.

Actually, my relationship with June has always been the problematic one. For one thing, we were close enough in age to butt heads. Also, she was Dad's first child, born when most of his siblings were grandparents. He'd almost given up on fathering a child. She was adored, and accepted it as her due. Then I came along. While I was not lavished with abject adoration, I took enough of the spotlight to make her forever resentful. Plus, she had informed my parents that she wanted "a boy baby," and was angry when they brought a girl home from the hospital. "Take her back and bring me a boy!" she said.

The closest we got to any - what, discrimination? - based on biology was when any of us girls, Lynne included, would do something Gary thought was stupid. Then he'd grin and say, "Well, that certainly doesn't come from Mom's side of the family." We were never offended by this. I still think it's amusing.

I told my friend, "Truthfully, it never mattered to any of us." None of the four of us had worried about parentage or bloodlines. We were simply siblings.

Of Lawns and Men

I remember when my big sister was dating a student studying agriculture at the local university. He came to pick her up for a date one night and parked by the curb. He only made it a few steps across the lawn before he got down on his hands and knees and started pawing through it. We wondered if he'd lost something, and followed my sister toward him.

"Mr. and Mrs. Smith! You have a beautiful lawn!" he exclaimed, continuing to paw through the grass. My sister stood by, embarassed and trying to pull him up as he quizzed my mother. "What kind of seed did you use, or was it sod? How often do you fertilize it?" He couldn't believe that the answer was, "We don't use fertilizer." He wanted to know everything - "How often do you water it? How often do you mow it?" He oohed and aahhed over the texture.

My sister finally managed to pry him away from the lawn. "We have to GO. We'll be late," she said as she struggled to get him back on his feet. She dragged him toward the car as he waved over his shoulder. "Goodbye, Mrs. Smith! You have a beautiful lawn!" The scene became one of those family stories that we told for years afterward.

My parents always did have a beautiful lawn. My mother, however, is in the process of trying to replace her front lawn. She's 82 and walks with a walker or a cane. Her house sits on an acre and a third. She's never empoyed a gardener or a lawn service, and something has to give. The first step is to either kill the grass or to cut it out with a sod cutter. She chose the cheapest, lowest effort option, which is to kill the grass.

I'm watching her go through some of the same things I did when I replaced our front lawn. "I haven't watered it all year! Look at all that green!" she says now, just a few days away from the beginning of July. "What's it going to take?" Luckily for her, it's finally turning yellow and crunchy.

Also luckily for her, seventeen years after my experience, replacing a lawn is a much more common occurrance. No one is looking at her as though she has two heads. I mentioned to my friend Alicia today that Mom was taking out her lawn, and without any hesitation, Alicia said, "So she's xeriscaping?" Yes! She is! Thank you for knowing what that is! Mom's not likely to get comments like the one my postman made to me - "I can understand not liking grass, but not liking grass? What's wrong with you?" He thought he was wildly funny. I did not.

Here's my fifteen year old lawn essay. As I post it, I'm hoping for a less time consuming experience for my mom.

*********************************

I tried to kill my lawn. In fact, I tried very hard.

Now, I know this is tantamount to sacrilege. Most people are obsessed with their lawns. As Dave Barry so succinctly put it, "People would rather live next door to a pervert, communist pornographer than someone with an unkempt lawn."

I grew up in the desert. Our water for the summer months depended on the snow that fell in the mountains during the winter. When there was little snow, or when the population grew, (or usually, both,) watering restrictions would be put in place. You could only water your yard during certain days and certain hours on those days. It nearly drove my father berserk. "What do they expect us to do, LET OUR LAWNS DIE?" he would ask, in a tone that suggested such a thing was right up there with sacrificing our firstborn. Many fierce letters to the editor were written defending the right to water a lawn every day.

My parents had lovely lawn, both in the front and in the back. But, since they owned over an acre of property around the house, the percentage of lawn was actually very small. They had four patios, three driveways, rock gardens, produce gardens, shrubbery, flower beds, many trees, walkways and benches, plus a dog kennel, and a pasture for the horses. I never saw any reason to elevate the lawn in status to be THE symbol of the yard.

My father was convinced, as many people are, that a lawn is a delicate thing in need of pampering. My father-in-law is in a class by himself.

He lives in the same desert city I grew up in. Watering restrictions are now an accepted part of the summer months, not something that will occasionally be enforced due to drought. Tickets can and will be issued to water wasters, as determined by municipal code. My father-in-law thumbs his nose at the code. Nobody's going to tell HIM how much water he can use, by golly. He lavishes water on his lawn, which is admittedly green and lovely, with no bare patches.

In the front yard, things are pretty OK. In the back yard, out of the neighbors' sight, it's a bit different. His reasoning is that he has dogs, and the urine needs to be diluted and washed away.

He has had to lay thick metal mesh in parts of the lawn, so that you can walk on it without your feet sinking. Moss grows in the squares of the mesh. Moss! This is in the Nevada desert, not Seattle. Other parts of the lawn often squelch. But what really did me in were the frogs.

One summer, frogs appeared in my in-laws' back yard. Not just one, but frogs, plural - dozens of them. They frolicked happily through the swampiness. I have no idea how they got there. There are no natural bodies of water for miles. There's an irrigation ditch about half a mile away, but that half a mile encompasses a high school, convenience stores, neighborhoods and one of the busiest streets in town. I cannot imagine how far these frogs had to drag themselves across the burning asphalt to even find my in-laws' yard. Yet, there they were. It was the first time I ever saw my father-in-law admit that yes, maybe he did water too heavily.

I would rather have many other features rather than a lawn. I'm not talking here about paving over my front yard, or covering it in plastic and laying rock of uniform color and size from fence to fence - one of the reasons that traditional front lawns don't interest me is that they're a vast expanse of sameness. When you add to that all the mowing and upkeep a lawn takes, the choice for me is easy. If you're not picnicking or playing volleyball, why do you want grass? That's my theory. When you add that to the fact that my husband and I are both allergic to grass, well, decision made.

In our previous house, we moved onto a vacant lot. Everything that was put in the yard, with the exception of one tree almost on the property line, we put in.

A friend came to visit us shortly after we'd put a redwood deck across the front of the house. We'd prepared and leveled part of the yard in preparation for buying sod. I pointed out where we'd be laying it. To give you an idea of the size of this lawn, we brought all the freshly cut and rolled sod home in our mini-van. My friend looked mildly puzzled and said, "What are you going to do with the rest of it?" I showed her where the vegetable garden went, and the flower beds, and the kids' play yard, and the patio, and the gravel pathway, and the shed, and she still looked puzzled.

When we moved into our current house, most of the landscaping was over twenty years old. The first thing I did was tear out the perimeter of the front lawn and replace it with flower beds. The lawn itself was patchy and ugly, and it didn't take too long for me to decide, it all comes out.

The first step, I figured, was to kill the grass. That shouldn't be too hard, I thought. I'll just stop watering it. After all, it's Nevada, and the weather's warm. So I waited; two weeks, four weeks, six weeks, two months. The grass was still green! Not even yellow, but green! In the summertime! We waited another month; still green. The fact that our entire front yard is shaded, courtesy of two mature trees, influenced things, I'm sure, as did the fact that the spray from our neighbor's automatic sprinklers reach a good twenty-four inches into the north side of my yard. But still - I couldn't tell the difference between the unwatered lawn and the one I'd used gallons of water on.

Finally I got tired of waiting. I asked my husband to till it under. So, we took all the edging from around the flower beds out, and he got out the rototiller. I have no idea what the neighbors thought when they saw us tilling under perfectly green grass. I raked and sifted to get all the clumps of roots, and threw them out.

We'd planned what we wanted to do with the front yard. We wanted larger flower beds, a pond, and maybe a bench, with a path winding through. We also wanted to widen the driveway by about three feet. First, though, we had to dig a large hole next to the house to fix a plumbing leak. Then, we had to set the pond.

After exhaustive pond shopping – my husband never makes snap decisions in these matters – we found what we wanted and could afford. Then, we discovered that the tree roots, not to mention our rock-hard clay soil, made any hope of digging down two feet or so impractical. Even if we made it, the roots would wreak havoc on a pond liner. Back to the drawing board we went, and decided on a fountain. Fountain shopping took longer than pond shopping.

The hole next to the house was there for so long that we began to feel it was a permanent design feature. We began calling it The Pit of Despair. (It was a carryover from the name our nieces gave the pit in our previous yard. Fans of "The Princess Bride" will know exactly what we're talking about.) We managed to widen the driveway with pavers. But, we had to abandon our first pathway choice, wood rounds, when they proved to be too easily kicked out of place by the children. I didn't want to plant too many flowers, lest we trample them during the rest of the construction. Once we chose a fountain, my husband wanted a raised bed to sit it in. That was quite a job, especially since the yard has a pronounced slope. Then, a trench had to be dug to run the wiring out to the fountain. What with one thing and another, the front yard was mostly dirt and holes for years.

Finally, the trench is buried, the fountain's in place, the Pit will go soon – it's time to start planting again. I bought seeds and plants, and giddily set about planting them.

Now that the ground is being watered again – did I mention that it hadn't been for TWO SOLID YEARS? – guess what's happening? Yes, the flowers are looking very nice, thank you, but coming up around them is GRASS! I'm going out now and digging it up, pulling up root clumps the size of oranges; sometimes, even cantaloupes. This is not crabgrass or some other noxious weed, it's the very grass that used to comprise our lawn.

Soon it should be gone, I think. I hope. But when people start complaining about how watering restrictions will kill their lawn, well, they shouldn't say it to me.

All the Japanese People Were Wearing Pants

"All the Japanese people were wearing pants!"

The outrage in my oldest daughter's voice carried all the way over the line, clear as a bell despite the hundreds of miles inbetween us. She was a newlywed, unpacking in her first home with her husband. She'd finally taken most of the stuff from her room at our house (even though she hadn't lived there for 5 years), and was looking through her photos. She'd come across one from Sea Life Park in Hawaii.

We'd taken the trip to Oahu when she was 11, Terry was 10 and Alex was three. We'd tried to sign up for a dolphin encounter at the park; the highlight was getting into the dolphin pool. There was only one opening, so we signed Lana up. She's always loved the ocean and dolphins in particular, so it was obvious which of us would enjoy the encounter the most.

Aside from mainlanders, Japanese vacationers made up most of the tourists we saw. Every other member of her dolphin encounter was Japanese, and most were adults.

Lana wore her swimming suit under her clothes all day. When the time came for the dolphin program and they were ushered into the briefing room, Lana started taking her clothes off. "Honey, we don't get into the pool until the end," one of the dolphin trainers said. "You can change then."

"No, I'm OK," she said, neatly folding her shirt and shorts.

Before they got into the pool, a group photo was taken. Since Lana was one of the shortest ones, she was in front. The other participants hadn't changed yet; no one thought anything of it at the time. She'd been in her suit for half an hour or so at that point.

Each participant also got a photo of themselves and a dolphin while they were in the pool - that's one of my favorite photos from that trip.

Now, years later, Lana was beyond scandalized by the group picture. "I'm wearing a swim suit, socks and sneakers! I look ridiculous! Everybody else has pants on! Why didn't you make me wear pants?" Neither her dad or I could see anything to get worked up about, which made her even more upset. "My husband laughed! He says he's going to send it in to awkwardfamilyphotos.com!"

For the last few years, she's brought the subject of what I should, and should not, have let her wear up several times - "How could you let me wear that?" The thing is, we're not talking about photos of her as a toddler in a tutu and cowboy boots (which, admittedly, would have been fine with me). Most of the time, her age is well into double digits, and the clothes in question were favorites of hers. Sure, they might be out of style years later, but they weren't then. I point out that she has never liked my taste in clothes - she spent most of her life trying to dress me. I remind her that she would have argued bitterly. "Did you want me to spend every day hitting my head against a brick wall? We would have both been miserable." She still insists, "You should have!"

Until she hit puberty and realized that jeans were fashionable, she hated them. "They're stiff, they're hot and they make me sweat." Even at camp, she wore knit stretch pants. In her late teens, this just mortified her. "WHY didn't you take away all my stretch pants and only buy me jeans?"

"Because. You. Hated. Them!"

When I did very rarely put my foot down, she'd had meltdowns. In junior high, she'd tried to wear dirty pants to school. You'd think someone meticulous about appearances would never consider such a thing, but in her mind, it was better than wearing what was still in her closet. After I insisted that she change, she hauled another pair of jeans out of the hamper and I had to be very specific - "You will not just change, you will put on something clean."

"But all my pants are dirty!"

"Then wear a skirt or dress."

"To school?" She loved her dresses, and she owned - I am not making this up, 26 of them at the time - but not to wear to school.

I insisted. She complained. I dropped off a very angry girl in a dress just before the bell rang.

When I picked her up after school, she flumped onto the seat and slouched down, announcing, "I knew it. Everyone said I looked ridiculous."

Sigh. "Lana," I said, "I know you. You walked into class this morning, and the first thing out of your mouth was, 'I feel ridiculous. I didn't want to wear this, but my mother made me.' " She stared at me with that deer-in-the-headlights look. "Honey, I know what you're hoping when you say things like that is that your friends will say, 'Oh, no, you look great! I love that outfit!' but what they're actually going to say is, 'You're right. You look awful. I can't believe you left the house looking like that.' You cannot get angry with people for agreeing with you." She said nothing on the ride home.

At 16, she'd once had to stay home from a dance after having a shrieking fit and throwing her shoes across the living room. (We had guests, too; great.) She always arranged her clothes into Outfits, deciding that a particular top ONLY went with particular bottoms. In this case, it was a denim skirt, white top and white canvas shoes. When the shoes were new, they looked great. They were now far from new; she'd actually used them for creek walking at camp the previous summer, and it was now December. Her teacher at church had actually requested that she not wear them to church any more. After she wore them to church again, her teacher was deeply puzzled - "I mean, I know she has nice shoes. I've seen her wear them." But, in her mind, ONLY those shoes went with the denim skirt. One night, she tried to wear them to a dance, and I'd had the audacity to tell her to put on another pair of shoes. She owned quite a few. After the shoes sailed across the room, accompanied by angry yelling, her dad and I had simultaneously said, "OK, you can stay home," and she burst into tears, wailing, "Dances are the only thing in my life I have to look forward to!"

And now I was getting lectures on how I should have argued with her MORE often? To what end?

The thing is, I naively believed that at some point, my kids would appreciate a mom who hadn't micromanaged their wardrobes. I've actually had to reshoot a senior portrait session, because the girl showed up to the shoot alone and her mother hated what she was wearing in the photos. She wasn't dressed scantily, or in anything dirty or controversial, but she was (gasp) wearing pants, and her mother wanted her photographed in a dress. "And she didn't even DO anything with her hair!" the mother told me in outrage, intimating that I should have refused to photograph a girl who showed up looking the way she did every day. I never put my kids through that.

The thing is, my oldest still hates my taste. Not six months before the conversation about the Japanese people and their pants, she had literally been in tears over the shirt we bought her. We took a family trip, and on one day we all planned to wear matching shirts, so we bought all of us one. She hated hers, convinced it was too big and too baggy and she "looked ridiculous." All five of us assured her that she looked fine, but she only consented to wear it under a jacket that she kept zipped up. And this is an adult! How in the world would it make sense to have had those conversations every day?

(I wrote this in 2003. We will obviously never be on the same page about this.

My daughter loves me anyway.

But, I do fear that she'll destroy childhood photos.)

No, Not Cereal...

In our weekly Rotary Club meetings, our club president usually offers raffle tickets to club members who can answer trivia questions. He also generally does a "This Day in History" feature. Sometimes, the questions will relate to the history he shares.

One night, he offered a ticket to anyone who could provide a name: "Today in history, the first known female serial killer in American history was executed in Florida. What was her name?" I looked around the room, waiting for someone who'd seen Charlize Theron's Academy Award winning performance in Monster. (I didn't see it; I avoid R rated movies until they're on TV or I can buy them in edited form.) No hands went up, so I raised mine and offered, "Eileen Wuornos."

I was right; several club members were surprised. "It's kind of creepy that you know that," one said. I went home and related that comment to my family. My 16 year old laughed.

"Have they met you?" he asked.

Indeed, my family is quite aware that I have all sorts of information about unsavory criminals, especially serial killers, in my head. I could have answered questions about Wuornos's childhood, victims, girlfriend, nickname and jail time. I know things not just about the well known individuals - the Son of Sam, the Boston Strangler - but people like Arthur Shawcross and Joel Rifkin. Often, I've watched interviews with them, so I can describe the things they did in their own words.

This is not, apparently, what people expect of a religious, middle aged mom with prudish taste in entertainment. I don't even watch horror films. What gives?

As with many things, the explanation lies, I think, in my growing up years. For one thing, I don't think of this information as entertainment - not at all. I tend to think of it as reconnaisance - scoping out the enemy.

I can trace this back to 1979, the year that I was 13. That year, a girl I knew from church and her best friend disappeared. They were 13 and 14.

Brenda Judd was never in my class at church, but I knew who she was. Her family was prominent in our congregation, and Brenda was pretty, popular and talented. I'd never met her friend Sandra Colley, but I can see, in my head, her face in the school photo her family provided to the newspaper, even more than 30 years later.

They disappeared from the Nevada State Fair. Having someone I knew disappear from a familiar place was shocking. I stared at their photos on the front page, and I wondered. When the time came for our church's summer camp, we wondered aloud to each other. Brenda should have been at camp; where was she? What happened?

Gerald Gallego and his commonlaw wife Charlene Williams happened. They killed at least three people in Sacramento, drove 2 1/2 hours over the Sierras to Reno, took Brenda and Sandra, killed them, and buried them somewhere about two hours east of their homes. (Their bodies weren't found until 1999.)

It was horrifying. Safety and security are hotbutton issues for me, and to have the feeling that terrible things could and did happen to someone in our own community shook me in a way that I don't think it's possible to fully recover from.

Williams cut a deal, testifying against Gallego in exchange for a lighter sentence. She was released years ago; she changed her name and disappeared. Gallego was sentenced to death, but cancer took him before the state did.

Putting a name and a face to the devil wasn't the worst part of the experience; it was reading the details. It didn't matter that it was years after the girls disappeared, after Gallego and Williams were in jail. Those details blew to shreds any remaining feelings of safety.

All kids of my generation were taught things designed to keep us safe from what's now called "stranger danger." We were told: Don't talk to strange men. Always stay with a buddy. Don't go into deserted areas in public - stay with the crowd. Don't let someone give you candy, drinks, alcohol or drugs. Don't get into strange cars. Let your parents know where you are, and what time you'll be back. Go out in the daylight hours, not at night. If someone suggests something that makes you nervous, say no. Don't engage in suggestive talk with any adults, or with kids you don't know (or for that matter, with kids you do know). Brenda and Sandra had followed every one of those rules on the day they were taken, every single one. And they ended up dead.

Williams, a tiny, softspoken woman barely 5 feet tall, had approached the girls at the fair and offered them $20 to help her put flyers under the windshield wipers of the cars in the fairgrounds parking lot. According to Williams, one of the girls even expressed relief that Williams wasn't trying to "hustle" them into something unacceptable.

The girls were arguably still safe until the sliding door of the Gallegos' van opened. The amount of time between safety and oblivion was about two seconds.

No one had ever said to their kids, "Avoid small, polite women offering you a job in broad daylight in a crowded, public place." No one could imagine the need.

The idea that everything we'd been taught about staying safe, the very things I'd planned on telling my own kids, were woefully inadequate just undid me. It could have been anyone, anywhere. It could have been me and my best friend.

In 1977, eight year old Lisa Bonham disappeared from a park I'd been to many times. Her clothes were found in a trash can along the freeway; months later, hikers found her skull not far from town. I was horrified - I was only 11, after all - but I had decided that it was something that was so rare, so bizarre, that it would never happen again. Now, I could no longer think anything of the sort.

My mother repeatedly assured me that my oldest sister, a university student, was safe when a woman was killed just off campus, but I feared for her safety. The fact that it was a garden variety interpersonal dispute helped a bit - at least someone wasn't stalking every woman at the U.

In late 1980, I was a freshman in high school, and first heard the name Ted Bundy. I didn't hear anything about Bundy, that I remember, until after he'd been convicted. I'd seen brief TV coverage of the Chi Omega murders that sent him to death row, and I'd heard something vague about "a suspect in multiple homicides," but it wasn't until I read a magazine article about him that the full horror became apparent. I should have felt better - he was behind bars, sentenced to death - but I didn't. Most of his victims were about the same age as my oldest sister, but his last known victim, Kimberly Leach, was my age, almost exactly. He had an uncanny knack for choosing honor students. He had a definite "type," and we fit it, me and both of my sisters.

After I read that magazine article on Bundy, I had to walk to school on a Saturday, by myself, to build sets. Normally, I'm comfortable by myself, but I can still remember how terrified I was that day. I couldn't help thinking of the interstate freeway, only 10 or 15 minutes away, and how far away I might be before someone noticed that I was gone.

Bundy victim Georgeann Hawkins, like Brenda and Sandra, had disappeared in just moments from a crowded, public place. There was no sign of a struggle, of a runaway, of a weapon, of anything that made sense. She was only steps from her own dorm room.

Here at home, in 1983 (when I was 17) Ricky Sechrest was arrested and charged with killing 10 year old Maggie Schindler and 9 year old Carly Villa. His grandmother was Maggie's babysitter. Ricky had gone to junior high with my sister, and she was sure he was not guilty. "He protected Belinda and me from bullies. He was so sweet! He'd never hurt anyone." She even considered going to visit him in jail - until he confessed. He'd molested the girls, then killed them with shovel blows to their heads. Sometimes I think about Maggie and Carly when I'm near where they were found (another familiar spot, a place where I spent significant time as a kid).

I'm sure that, psychologically speaking, learning everything I can about these predators is my way of trying to get my innocence back. I'm trying to build a protective bubble around myself and my loved ones, trying to ensure that we never fall victim. That's not entirely a bad thing. The day that Bundy took both Denise Naslund and Janice Ott from Lake Sammamish State Park in Washington, he approached other women with the same ruse. With his arm in a sling, he asked if they would help him load or unload his boat. Those who refused, because he gave them "the willies" or because they wondered why and how a man in a sling would be sailing, lived.

And so, I can tell you why I think the prime suspect in the Zodiac killings was able to pass a polygraph test. I can tell you why I don't think that Albert DeSalvo was the Boston Strangler, and what Jack the Ripper theories I think are garbage.

I know that statistics say that people, especially women and children, are most likely to be victimized by someone they trust. I know, too, how many predators masquerade as authority figures.

They always try to appear harmless (and they're good at it). I can tell you what happened to Georgeann; a pleasant, well dressed man on crutches asked for her help carrying his things to his car. Once at his car, he hit her in the back of the head with a tire iron, then rolled her into the front of his car, where he'd removed the passenger seat. It took mere seconds.

Sometimes my sensibilities are still too tender. I had to stop reading, return a book to the library and read nothing but fluff for months after finding out that Bundy was a necrophiliac. I didn't bat an eye at finding out the same thing about Gary Ridgway. By then, I could fit that piece of the puzzle in to a number of predatory behaviors.

I devour the books written by John Douglas, an FBI profiler back when profiling was considered of about as much value as reading tea leaves. I can tell you all kinds of things that no one should ever really know about why these predators do what they do. I can point to the red flags in their childhoods. I don't subscribe to the mindset former prosecutor Vincent Bugliosi does about members of the Manson Family, that they were born bad. Nobody is destined to behave this way. That's what's so frightening - that these people were, once upon a time, ordinary.

Of course, I'm also very aware that if someone is determined to cause you harm, they will, no matter how well informed you are.

My kids used to think I was kidding when they wondered out loud why I was so freaked out when they were only 10 minutes late, and I told them that I worried they'd been taken by a pedophile or a serial killer. At some point, they all figure out that I'm not kidding. (Or given to hyperbole.)

While I keep the gory details to myself, I share enough with my family that I don't think it's odd when one of my children asks, "Was it Gacy who hired his victims to work on his house?" While I want them to believe that most people are good, I want them to listen and act if someone ever gives them "the willies." I want them to know what the ploys are.

I parent differently than I thought I would, once upon a time. My kids have always had strict instructions never to go anywhere, with anyone, unless they have checked with their dad or me. That includes their grandparents, aunts, uncles, parents of best friends. It includes going just next door. It very definitely includes getting into anyone's car.

"Geez, Mom," they have said, more (much more) than once. "What do you think is going to happen?"

Dear God, I think each time, please don't let anything bad happen. Please let them live uneventful lives of security.

Prom Memories

                I've often wondered whether or not I should have asked a boy to go to the prom with me. Of course it's a moot point, and has been for years, but I'm sure I'm not alone in mulling over these useless questions. Maybe I would have had more fun with an actual date, and maybe not. I certainly would have a less interesting prom story, though.

                I was only a little bit disappointed when I didn't attend my junior prom. Somehow it seemed kind of like a practice prom. I hoped that by the time my senior prom rolled around, I'd have a date.

                Of course, the entire idea of dating was terrifying too. I had a lot of male friends, and I was very comfortable with them. Dating was different, though. Dating looked scary. Even with the guys I hoped would ask me out, I would break out in a cold sweat trying to imagine something as ordinary as a movie and pizza. What would I say? What would I do? What would he say and do? It was like trying to imagine life on Mars. I'm imaginative, but I just couldn't picture it. I just froze. When you add that to adolescent insecurity and my complete inability to read and respond to non verbal signs of interest, my chances of dating were pretty darned small.

                Besides, the guy was supposed to do the asking, wasn't he? I was sure that if I asked someone, I'd look desperate or needy or infatuated. If it had been a more ordinary event, I could undoubtedly have been comfortable saying, "I don't want to go alone. Come with me." But to the prom? There are few, if any, teenage occasions fraught with more emotional minefields.

                I had intended to skip my senior prom as well. I had no boyfriend and no real reason to go. The prom became a "must attend" occasion in the blink of an eye when I heard that my best friend had been nominated for prom queen.

                I found out before she did.

The nominees were supposed to be extremely hush hush until the formal announcement was made. To a point, though, processes like these tend to be at least fairly predictable, and there were opinions floating around the school as to who the nominees should be.

On the yearbook staff, there were a fair number of girls from the upper echelons of high school society – the varsity cheerleaders, the drill team members. Several members of an extremely close knit group of "in" girls sat at the table right next to where I sat in the publications room. The group consisted of best friends and cousins. One of the cousins had been the fall homecoming queen, and one of the best friends had been winter homecoming queen. It was now accepted among them that all that was needed to make their senior year perfect was for another cousin to be chosen as prom queen. They were pretty sure it would happen, too.

In the publications room, members of the yearbook or newspaper staff sat at tables, grouped by their assigned sections of the publication. For the yearbook, that translated into classes, activities, organizations and the like. My junior year, I sat with the advertising/faculty section, since that's where my best buddy was. The photographers didn't have a table. They worked in the darkroom, were out on assignment, or just kept to themselves. My senior year, I couldn't sit by Ariane like I had the year before, since she wasn't in the classroom. So, I sat on top of a large desk just inside the door, right next to the teacher's desk. The only other photographer sat by himself in the back of the room, usually on the floor. A talented guy with equipment costing many times more than mine, he was aloof and intimidating. I don't think we said more than a dozen words to each other in the two years we worked together.

As far as I know, none of the yearbook staff members were on the nominating committee, but the "in" girls obviously knew someone who was. Since I was pretty much invisible to popular people, they talked as though they were alone, even though I was about 18 inches from their table. One day, I got an earful about the prom queen nominations. They had not been announced yet – they wouldn't be for another week or so – but someone had given these girls a peek at the list. They knew who all the nominees were, and they were furious to find that Girl A was not on the list. They were livid at finding that Ariane was. She had, in their eyes, STOLEN the spot DESTINED for Girl A.

They had little quarrel with most of the other nominees, but Ariane's inclusion made them furious. She was not skinny, she was not popular, and she was not a cheerleader or drill team member. "She doesn't even do anything!" was repeated over and over again. Oh, sure, I thought. She's just been freshman class president, spent 4 years on the tennis team, 4 years in the drama guild (three of those as an officer), 2 years on the Academic Olympics team and 2 years on the debate team (winning awards in both), 2 years in the Honor Society, 2 years on the yearbook staff, 4 years in the French Club… here, of course, is a girl who doesn't do anything. "You should be on there, not her," they consoled Girl A repeatedly. She waffled between distraught and furious.

After class, Ariane and I always met at a particular corner in the halls. I couldn't wait to get there and tell her. "Guess what?!" I was ecstatic. She was not.

"No! That can't be right."

"It is! It is!" I told her. Knowing that she already disliked Girl A, I told her about the reaction. "She's furious," I gloated.

"But I'm not even going to the prom!" Ariane wailed.

"You are now," I said smugly.

She tried to think of some way to refuse the nomination, but there wasn't one. Her assigned escort was a great guy, someone we'd both known for years. He managed to be both one of the smart kids and one of the jocks. She was at least OK with the idea of winning or losing with him. She needed an actual date though – her escort was going with his girlfriend. She and Joe Beard, her debate team partner and close friend, decided to go together.

That left me with the problem of who to go with. I wasn't going to go alone, and I wasn't going to tag along with the two of them, even though it wasn't a "real date." I hated it when friends took me along on their dates. It happened fairly frequently.

I planned at first to go with Lana, the third member of our little triumvirate. She'd dropped out of school, but I didn't think you needed to be a student to attend; you just needed to be with a student. She ended up not being able to go; I don't remember why. She probably had to work. So, I was again escortless.

Asking someone to go with me was an uncomfortable proposition. I'd never been on a date at all, and I didn't want to be the one doing the asking on my very first date. I especially didn't want to be asking someone out to an occasion as emotionally loaded as the prom. If it had been an awards dinner or something less intimidating, I might have felt comfortable asking a friend of either gender. To the prom, that seemed out of the question. It wasn't a buddy event. It was a date event, a romantic event. I was worried that if I asked anyone, they'd assume romantic intent, especially if I said there was none. There was an age problem, too. I'd feel most comfortable asking someone like Joe English to go with me, but he was a sophomore. I wasn't sure how much of a faux pas it would be to bring a sophomore to the senior prom, especially since we weren't dating.

Waiting for someone to ask me was more than problematic. Having never been on a date, I wasn't going to hold my breath until someone decided I was the perfect girl to ask out. I was sure – I still am – that nobody was waiting for the chance to be my prom date.

A large group of us went to see the movie "Footloose" one night shortly before the prom. We were standing in line, about a dozen of us, when I started to complain about my prom dilemma. I vaguely hoped that someone would speak up and offer to go with me. You've heard it said that you should be careful what you wish for?

Scott, a freshman, said, "I'd go with you, but I have nothing to wear." Alaina, another freshman, piped up, "We're about the same size. I have a formal you could wear." In another group, we would have snickered and the whole thing would be forgotten. In our group… in less than five minutes, the plan was made. Scott would go with me, in Alaina's white lace formal. We would tell everyone he was my cousin Sandy from, I think, Arkansas. We'd go with Joe and Ariane.

What my mother thought about this insanity, I don't know. She didn't say much. To her enormous credit, she rarely criticized any hijinks. If it wasn't immoral, illegal, hurtful or dangerous, well, OK. So her youngest child was free to attend her high school prom with a freshman in drag.

We went up to our friend Kathy's house to get ready on the day of the prom. Kathy, one of Ariane's oldest friends, was going on a traditional, romantic prom date with her boyfriend, Tim, but she was more than happy to help the three of us get ready. I have a snapshot of Kathy in her prom gown and Scott in nothing but shorts as she curls his hair. The next shot is of the two of them with Scott's hair and makeup finished, looking convincingly female from the neck up while still a shirtless male from the neck down. It was surprising that he made such a cute girl.

I don't remember if Ariane or Kathy did my hair, but I had one of them French braid a section, working a pale blue ribbon into the braid. The ribbon was from a bouquet of balloons that Tony, another best friend, had sent the cast and crew of "Arsenic and Old Lace" the previous spring, delivered onstage during our curtain call. It closely matched the blue ribbons in my dress, and was my one hint of sentiment. I hadn't even bought a new dress; I was wearing the formal I'd originally bought for the Thespian banquet when I was a freshman. I loved that dress – floor length white cotton and eyelet accented with pale blue ribbons and lacing up the bosom.

Ariane and I had bought corsages for ourselves and "Sandy," and I think we bought Joe a boutenniere. We'd taken her VW bug to the car wash to get it ready for us to ride in, but Joe had since borrowed his uncle's green sports car. It was a much more prom worthy vehicle. Joe picked us all up – three "girls" in frothy formals.

We'd decided on dinner at McDonald's. We brought along a satin tablecloth, silver candlesticks and white candles that had unfortunately wilted a bit from being next to the car's heater. Another friend, Tim Lange, walked down to McDonald's just for the kick of seeing us. We ordered the 20 piece box of McNuggets and two large fries, plus soda.

The restaurant was virtually empty, except for us. The employees had stared at us as we came in, and kept staring while Ariane fixed the table and I ordered. Someone went into the back to get the manager, who came out and stared at us. I will never forget the flabbergasted look on his face. When they called our number and I went to pick up the food, the manager told me there would be no charge. He even threw in extra food. I don't know if that came from pleasure at watching us spend our prom night there, or pity that we couldn't afford a fancy dinner, or even amazement, but it was OK with us. We all knew the employees would go home that night and start telling stories that began, "You'll never believe…"

Tim played waiter, draping a towel over his arm and offering Joe the soda so he could sniff the straw. Since he wasn't going to the prom, it was his chance to be part of the madness. There was virtually no other business in the restaurant, so the employees all stood at the counter and stared at us while we ate.

Once at the prom, we sat at a table with Tony and his fiancee, Jeanette. I believe Kathy and Tim Groves were at our table, too. I danced one dance, with Tony. I stepped on his feet at least three times. Most of the rest of the time I spent waiting rather impatiently in overly loud music to hear the announcement of the prom king and queen.

I knew Ariane was a long shot, but I was hoping that all the members of the senior class who disliked the popular kids would vote for her and Stuart. Rather predictably though, Robert Escobar and CiCi Cook won. They were both popular kids and a widely recognized Adorable Couple. At the announcement, Tony spread his arms out and snapped, "Nobody clap!" I clapped anyway, briefly and without enthusiasm.

Several of my friends were on the prom planning committee, so I'd been privy to a bit of the planning. They'd been very annoyed to discover that another area high school had chosen the same theme they had. Since the other prom would be held first, our school's committee decided, amidst much griping, to change our theme. "We had it first, but everyone will think we're copying!"

Their second choice was "Somewhere Down the Road." That on its own sounds OK. In reality, it meant that the victory dance for our prom king and queen was to a song that began, "We had the right love at the wrong time." The entire song is about breaking up. It was just goofy watching this supposedly romantic, victorious moment take place to such an incongruous soundtrack. I wondered if any of the committee had considered the lyrics when they chose the song, or if they hadn't scrutinized any further than the title.

Scott – er, "Sandy," – was actually asked to dance once. His dance partner was a fairly popular guy who swore ever after that he'd known Scott was a guy in drag and he was trying to blow his cover. As far as I could tell, in the dimly lit, hormone laden environment, nobody paid much attention until one fateful moment. Scott came up to me, eyes wide, and said, "I have to use the bathroom. Which one do I use?"

Ah, what a quandry. We decided that, of course, he'd have to use the ladies' room. That meant leaving the dark, packed ballroom, walking down the bright hallway and into the brighter, crowded ladies rest room. I instructed him: "OK. I'll go in first, and you just follow me. Don't look around, don't talk to anybody, just follow me. I'll stop in front of the first empty stall." In we went.

It was almost as packed in the rest room as it was in the ballroom. With Scott in tow, I plowed through the assembled crowd.  All kinds of girls were crowded in front of the mirrors, fixing their makeup and checking their hair. All the stalls seemed to be full. Oh, crud. I kept walking straight ahead, making no eye contact with anyone lest they stop me to talk. At the far end of the enormous room – it must have held almost two dozen stalls – there was an empty one. In went Scott. I used the stall next to him, more so I'd have a purpose for being in the restroom than because of actual need.

Maybe it was the bright lighting. Maybe it was the pause while we washed our hands, or the rush in and out. Maybe it was female intuition, or just the first chance anybody'd had to see "Sandy" up close. Whatever it was, I saw realization dawning on face after face. Oops, our cover was blown! Better get out before someone screamed that there was a man in the ladies rest room!

We giggled on the way back to our table, told everyone else, and waited for someone to approach us, screaming in outrage. Nobody did. Then Scott had another idea. "Hey! Why don't we leave, I'll come back in guy clothes, and we'll tell everybody I'm Sandy's brother."

"Sandy's supposed to be my cousin! You can't be her brother! People know who you are."

"Where are you going to find a tux? You can't come back in regular clothes!" We did not immediately find this idea as brilliant as Scott did.

"Come on! They've already figured it out! Let's go!" He was antsy. "Joe English is about my size, and he has his own tux. He wears it for Youth Symphony stuff." Always up for an adventure, he was anxious for a new game to play. So, Ariane and I left, taking Scott to borrow his second formal outfit of the night.

Joe was mildly baffled at our abrupt appearance requesting his tux. I wondered if he felt left out of the whole thing. Even if he was, he gamely offered his tux and watched us all go back to the prom.

I remember watching Scott, in his gender appropriate clothes, stride back into the ballroom like he owned the place. Still, nobody walked up and said, "Hey! Weren't you just here in a dress?" Nobody of either gender asked him to dance, either.

I don't know if anybody ever said anything to Scott about the escapade. The next Monday morning, someone said something to me.

I had yearbook second period. That Monday, after a whispered conference at the table closest to me, the homecoming queen approached me. "Are you the one who took a freshman in drag to the prom?" she wanted to know. I don't think she was prepared for my response. I beamed and said, "Yes! It was!" I looked at her expectantly, as if I thought she'd ask for all the details. In reality, she rarely spoke to me at all.

She looked confused. All she said was, "Oh," before she scuttled away as though she thought I was contagious. I don't know what anyone outside the drama guild had to say about the whole thing. Nobody else ever asked me about it again.

I'm willing to bet that the four of us have the most unique prom story of any of our classmates. It was worth not having any romance that night.

OK. That's Your Problem, Right There

I'm not sure how long ago I wrote this, but I make reference to having a preschooler in the house. My youngest is going to be 13 on her next birthday, though, so it's been a while.

I'm at least reaching the age at which no one expects me to suddenly change my mind and, say, become a 3 pack a day smoker. That's nice. When I say that I don't drink or otherwise indulge, there's usually enough 12-steppers around me to say, "Me either!" and just accept it as a matter of course. When we were all teenagers or twenty-somethings, the responses were often quite different.

I like to think that my cluelessness factor has diminished. I'm sure it has, by infinitisimal degrees.

You'd think that, as a very solitary and introspective person, I would have loved being single. I didn't. I am not in any way suited to a life of dating. If my husband keels over tomorrow, I won't be as truly pathologically clueless as I was as a teenager, but it still wouldn't be pretty.

Or maybe my form of tunnel vision is a blessing.

***************************

I've spent a good portion of my life being told that I think differently than most people. I didn't believe it. Although I try not to, I make the same mistake most people do. I base my suppositions about other people and their behavior on the way I behave. Surely, I thought, most, or at least many, people think the way I do. Psychologically speaking, this is called "projection." It means projecting our thoughts and feelings onto others.

I still believe that many people think the way I do. I'm just starting to come to terms with the fact that I won't meet these people during my natural lifetime.

I was discussing the T.V. show "Blue's Clues" with a friend, who also has pre-schoolers in her house. For the uninitiated, "Blue's Clues" has one live action actor. The rest of the show, virtually everything and everyone he interacts with, is animated.

We were both in agreement that he probably spends most of his time in front of a "green screen," a wall that allows the animators to isolate his image from the background he was filmed on, and place his image on the animated background. We were not in agreement about how this affected him. "This guy must do some heavy duty drugs," my friend said. As a person who has never even experimented with drugs, legal or otherwise, I am tired of hearing this about entertainers who gear work toward children – Mister Rogers, Walt Disney, even Steve Irwin, the Crocodile Hunter.

"What makes you say that? Am I the only person on the planet who doesn't think these things?" I demanded.

Her response was a resounding, "Yes!" "Think about it," she went on. "He spends all day in a bare room, talking to tennis balls on the end of broomsticks, so his eyes will be going the right direction."

"Yeah? So?" I wanted to know.

"That wouldn't creep you out? You wouldn't go crazy, having to do that every day, and be perky?" she wanted to know.

"No."

"OK," she said, "that's your problem, right there."

And here I thought it was her problem.

For the record, I was also told by a freely experimental friend, when we were both about seventeen, "You know why you don't take drugs? It's because you think that way anyway." Since this friend was effusive about the mind expanding, knowledge gathering "benefits" of drug use, the speaker meant it to be a compliment, and I took it as such.

Even as a teenager, I was simply never interested in drug experimentation. I felt no need to see what the big deal was, see what everyone else found so appealing, or try it just to say I'd tried it. I feel the same way about alcohol. It's a depressant – like we all need THAT - it makes you act ways you normally wouldn't, and overindulgence will make you sick and perhaps cause memory loss. Oh, and it's expensive and calorie laden. If that didn't make up my mind, the fact that it was illegal for someone of my age to drink it would have. Smoking? Expensive, smelly and deadly. And, have you ever watched an addict of any kind be cut off, even temporarily? "I'm sorry, sir, there's no smoking on this flight." They're miserable! I don't want to hear how relaxed they feel when they have their fix. I've seen how they feel when they don't.

I am not particularly proud of the fact that I've never tried these things, because it's taken no willpower at all. Zero. It's like my eye color, something I was born with. An alcoholic friend of mine used to tell me, "You must be the strongest person I know. You don't need any help to get through the day." I tried to explain, "It's not like I'm thinking, 'Gee, I'd love a beer' and denying myself one. I just don't want it," but he couldn't relate.

I have a friend who is convinced that if he keeps offering me booze, I'll eventually drink it, maybe just to shut him up. We look like a stale song and dance routine. One day I decided to shake him up. He'd offered me a can of beer. I exclaimed, "DAVE! You have been an instrument of enlightenment! That's what's been missing from my empty, meaningless existence! Beer! Thank you for saving me!" He stared at me with that deer-in-the-headlights look. His best friend, sitting next to him said, with beautiful comic timing, "So that would be sarcasm, then?"

I also discovered that in my perception of sexual matters, I'm usually on a different page than anyone else. This, frankly, is the same naivete that so often does me in.

When I was thirteen, the carnival came to town, like it did every year. My sister was 16, had a car, and we were old enough to go on our own, so we went.

We had very little "discretionary income" in the family I grew up in, so we didn't have a lot to spend on rides, and even less on games. I soon discovered that it didn't matter. Most of the carnival workers started giving us extra time on the rides, then extra rides, and finally we could just walk up, say "Hi," and get a free ride. A couple of the guys at the games started doing the same thing, letting us throw the darts for free. "It's a slow night," they'd tell us. "You're keeping us from getting bored. Plus, if you look like you're having fun, more people might stop." Aside from being frightfully naïve, I'm very literal, so I took it all at face value.

By the time we left, we were on a first name basis with several of the "carnies," and we'd been invited back "anytime," money or no money.

This was great! The next night, I brought one of my best friends. We had a ball. The two of us came back the next day, as several of the guys made it clear that they wanted us to.

The third night, I was standing in line for a ride I'd been on probably a dozen times already. The operator, while he made conversation, asked, "How old are you?"

I replied, "Thirteen."

He looked as if he'd been punched in the stomach. When we got off the ride, he wouldn't look at me. Suddenly, nobody seemed able to give free rides or free games. There were mumbled excuses that they were too busy, or that the boss, whoever that was, would get mad. They didn't look any busier to me, but nobody "had time" to make conversation, even when there was nobody in their line. Nobody even wanted to make eye contact. I left puzzled and hurt.

When I got home I asked my sister what she thought the problem was. She looked at me like I had the I.Q. of a carrot, a look she used on me often, and said, "Have you ever heard the term 'jailbait?'" I either hadn't or hadn't made the connection, because I remember her explaining to me, "It means they'll go to jail if they have sex with you."

I was absolutely appalled. "They didn't want to have sex with me!" I was already a veteran of schoolgirl crushes, and had had my first boyfriend, my best friend's brother, from whom I received my first experience hand holding, and my first kiss, but the idea of sex was absolutely alien. And with adults? How gross! What was she thinking?

She continued The Look. "Why do you think you got all those free rides?"

"Because they like me!"

"And why do you think they like you?"

"Because I'm nice!"

We continued this circular discussion until we both went away in a huff, each convinced that the other was delusional.

I was quite literally well into adulthood before I conceded that she'd been right.

I would watch movies or T.V., or read books, and wonder how in the world the characters could figure out the unspoken sexual codes and messages. What if, "Would you like to come in for a drink?" really meant come in for a drink? When did "You look lovely" change from a compliment to an invitation? Most importantly, how did everyone seem to know? I decided it was because they were characters. They did, said and thought whatever the writers decided. The writer knew when people were pursuing a relationship, so the characters did too.

I wasn't much better in real life. Once, in my sophomore year of high school, I was at a restaurant with a group of friends. Two of them were dating, and they were "playing footsies" under the table. Mid-way through the meal, I felt a foot sliding up and down my leg. I was wearing a dress at the time. So was the girlfriend at the table, who was sitting next to me. I assumed her boyfriend had the wrong leg. "Frank, that's me, not Donna," I said.

"What?"

"That leg. You've got mine, not Donna's."

"No, he doesn't," Donna said.

"Yes, he does!"

Now Donna was amused. "No, he doesn't."

I couldn't for the life of me figure out what was going on. Donna couldn't mistake my leg for Frank's, not with me in a dress. I ducked down and looked under the table to find who owned the phantom foot still caressing me. It belonged to the guy across the table. I looked up at him in wide eyed astonishment. He grinned, clearly enjoying himself.

I had no idea what to do. Was I supposed to rub back? Slap him? What did he want, anyway? He was a friend, but not a close enough friend that I could say, "What exactly are you doing?" Everyone else at the table now seemed clear on what was happening. Why was I the only one lost, when I had to decide? I was miserable.

I chose to stare down at my plate with complete concentration. In a few minutes, the foot stopped rubbing. He said nothing to me, and I said nothing to him, for the rest of the night, even after I stopped staring at my food. I thought he was angry at me, but I didn't know why or what to do about it.

Poor guy, he was fairly distant for a while after that, confusing me even more. Did he like me, or not? And, how much? Eventually, we started talking to one another fairly comfortably again, but he never repeated the mistake of touching me.

Years later – and I mean, YEARS later; I was probably already married - I decided that it had been "a pass," and he felt incredibly rejected – and publicly embarrassed – by my reaction. I had no idea at the time.

I got used to kissing hello and good-bye rather casually, and only rarely romantically. It was hard for me to figure that out, too. Once, a male friend, (who'd shown a bit of romantic interest in the past,) ended up in the classic movie situation of being over, almost laying on, me while I was lying on my back. He said nothing, I said nothing; he just sort of paused for a very long time. I thought very seriously about kissing him, but I figured either he'd be offended that I was so presumptuous, or I'd do something really awful like kiss his nose, or I'd have such terrible smelling breath that he'd be grossed out, or some other unimaginable horror, so I did nothing. He probably thought the same thing the kid with the restless foot thought – "Geez, she either hates me or she's really dense."

Really dense. Sorry, guys.

I didn't date until after I'd graduated from high school. Don't be amazed that I started late. Be amazed that I ever got the message. My date and I worked together, and he'd say vague, cryptic (to me) things like, "Food?" or "What do you like to eat?" It took weeks to figure out that he was asking me on a date.

I married him. The proposal is an entirely separate story. The point here is that even though we dated for two years after I figured out that he wanted a date, I've only dated one person, so I'm still kind of clueless as to how it all works. For the sake of everyone involved, I don't ever want to be single again. I don't "get it."