You Look Marvelous

 

Today I read a blog post about vanity over 40. I am well over 40, and not a fan of vanity, in any form. I should have skipped the post; I know that. Still, I didn't. Instead I read, yet again, how women my age are supposedly obsessed with drooping bottoms and crows feet. I would love to dismiss these thoughts, but I know that, by and large, they're right. This post, probably because the writer lives in LA, dealt mostly with cosmetic surgery.

Then I read this: "On the other hand, there is the opposite problem: an over 40 lack of vanity. You know what I mean, those women wandering around in sweats with graying hair and zero makeup, and kind of reveling in it, as if it's a virtue. One friend proudly mentioned to me that she was out in a group of women, and 'none of us had a stitch of makeup on.' Ok. Why is this an accomplishment any more than saying all the women in the group had tons of work done? It's sort of like reverse vanity: 'I'm so evolved and less vain than you.' " She, like most bloggers, had space to leave a comment. I thought about it, but what I have to say is far too wordy and involved. I can't dash off two or three pithy sentences.

I do not feel that I am more evolved than anybody. I am quite probably less vain than some.

Full disclosure here: I wear makeup. I have since I was a teenager. As a kid, I wore blush, eyeshadow and mascara. Since I was in my early 30s, though, I've worn concealer, foundation, blush, eyeshadow, eyeliner and mascara. Why? Because it's hard enough to get people to take me seriously without flouting convention daily.

I also shave my legs and armpits, pluck my eyebrows and yank my ridiculous, black whiskers out of my chin. I don't mean "dark" or "darker," I mean "black." I'm sure these are a hereditary gift from my Eastern European ancestors.

I hairspray my hair, every day. I fought for years to avoid daily "styling," but at a certain point the intelligent concede defeat. I also Rogaine it, since I started losing it almost 30 years ago and without the minoxidil, I and the very few straggly hairs left on my shiny pink pate would be totally socially unacceptable. Still, I don't curl it, straighten it, dye it or pull out my gray hairs. I wash it, comb it and spray it.

I resent every second of the "beauty" routine. Take the shaving and plucking: I think we should all get a handle on the fact that we're MAMMALS. I find something so deeply wrong with the idea of laser hair removal, waxing, men shaving their backs. It's ridiculous. We look back at the long ago era in Europe when eyelashes were considered unattractive, when women especially had pots of gold powder to rub onto their lashes to make them disappear, and we jeer. We laugh at portrait painters who left lashes off their subjects. And while we're at it, we howl in derision at high, white powdered wigs. Then we go back to using our Latisse, mascara, Botox, facial peels, highlights, hair extensions and Brazilian bikini waxes.

I was out a Girl Scout leaders' meeting this week, and I realized two things; 1. I was quite possibly the oldest woman in the room and 2. I was the only one wearing any makeup. Any. These are women with expensive haircuts, professional highlights, gym memberships, manicures – all of these things are foreign to me. They are very attractive women. And I'm the only one in makeup. It seemed very odd and silly.

I would love to wander around unshaven and without makeup. Most people, I've discovered, assume that I don't wear any makeup. In one way, that's a big compliment, because it means that I apply it very well. When my middle daughter's coworker was trying (in vain) to talk her into a makeover, she said, "Is it because your mom doesn't wear makeup?" "My mom wears more than I do!" said my daughter, whose routine consists of eyeliner and mascara.

When people see me actually without any, though, they've been known to actually gasp or recoil. I spent a week as a tent mom at our church girls camp, and the last day was visitor's day, with parents and leaders coming up to join in the closing activities. Several of the visitors who knew me were visibly astonished by my appearance. You'd be amazed at the many and varied ways to say, "Wow, the woods have not been good to you" without being offensive.

I don't believe that wearing, or not wearing, makeup indicates anything about a person's self esteem or values.

I have a niece who sells makeup and skin care products. She's very good at what she does, just earned another promotion, and makes a pretty good living. She's also lovely. She's an amazing woman, and I applaud her.

Another niece not only doesn't wear makeup, she doesn't shave, at all. She's a brunette, too. She wears skirts, and at the beach, she wears a bikini. She's also lovely. She's an amazing woman, and I applaud her.

Each of these women has excellent hygiene, interpersonal skills and values. Each is living an "authentic" life, her daily actions in tune with her beliefs.

Me? I espouse one thing and do another. I have reasons, valid ones, I think, but I'm hoping age is a factor. I'm waiting for enough time to pass that I can give up the routines that I find unnecessary. My mother is 82, intelligent and lovely, but I'd think that dementia was setting in if she asked me if I thought coral lipstick worked with her outfit or if I recommended waterproof mascara. I wonder what the magic age is at which I can dispense with cosmetics and shaving and still be considered socially acceptable.

I am deeply annoyed by superficiality. I am an artist, a photographer, actor and set dresser. I understand aesthetics, beauty and their effect on humans. I just can't see unduly elevating appearance, and I think our definition of beauty is far too narrow. (Don't even get me started on what's considered "fashionable.")

I am still annoyed by 27 year old criticism of Walter Mondale's brown suit. In case you've forgotten, or never knew, Walter Mondale was a mainstream party candidate for president of the United States. What took the most criticism: his foreign policy, his tax plan, his views on education or his brown suit? Yes! The suit! Can you imagine? A man is one election away from being leader of millions, the "Leader of the Free World," and we're worried because his suit was brown? Apparently, black, gray and blue are acceptable, but brown is not. Are you kidding? And, says who?

In high school, I worked for a law firm. One of the attorneys was intelligent, well educated, well informed, dedicated, informed and hard working. His favorite suit was a bright green and yellow plaid. (He also had extensive facial scarring from a childhood burn.) It did not keep him from being an effective litigator.

See, here's the thing: he could do his job in pajamas, or in the tub, or wearing worn out denim coveralls. His brain is unaffected by his wardrobe. Everyone's is.

Since being frugal is becoming fashionable, I keep waiting for being superficial to become unfashionable. I keep thinking that since we have record unemployment, record foreclosures, failing businesses, failing schools and millions of children in poverty, it will become supremely unacceptable to worry about laugh lines. I am still waiting. TV commercials are bad enough. Billboards are worse, and radio commercials are enough to make me violent. WHY are we telling people to use their tax return money for liposuction? How is it that ordinary, middle class people are feeling pressured to look like airbrushed and Photoshopped magazine covers? How is that OK?

Does anyone remember another time in history when ordinary people have felt compelled to surgically alter themselves? We think foot binding is barbaric, we sneer at groups that put plates in their bottom lips, we are aghast at women who put metal rings around their necks, so heavy that their shoulders finally collapse. We think ritual scarring is primitive.

Tattooing and piercing, on the other hand, we find ordinary and acceptable. Cosmetic surgery is so common that it's offered at "spas," and I hear commercials for it routinely on my country music radio station. (Country music!)

Can we PLEASE stop worrying about what people look like?

So, Ms. Over 40 Blogger, that's why it's more acceptable to say that you're wearing no makeup than it is to say that you've had extensive cosmetic surgery. Whether you believe that God or nature is the highest authority, the natural state of humans is good enough. Believing otherwise is a bad idea, indicative of feelings of low self worth, and the cause of a good many behavioral disorders.

Ordinary IS attractive.