I've been thinking about my dad a lot lately. The news reminds me of him - and not just because he rarely missed the news.
My dad was many things - loved family member, career firefighter, award winning trap shooting coach. Many of his family and friends believe that he was also suffering from some kind of undiagnosed, unmedicated illness. Even people who knew Dad only casually were likely to use the word "paranoid" to describe him.
His worries were constant, overwhelming, and often irrational. He worried about everything. He worried that someone would charm his beautiful, younger wife away from him. He worried that people would judge him because his wife worked, or because he'd had to take early retirement for medical reasons. He worried that his kids were trying to make him look bad by acting up. He worried about the government (and whether they would take his guns). He worried that he'd become an invalid. And he worried, constantly, that younger, stronger men were going to victimize him.
Dad had been a star athlete in school, and had spent his adult life doing jobs that took physical strength. I only knew him as a senior citizen; I was 22 when he died at age 78. The older he got, the more he worried that he'd be the victim of a crime.
Once, my sister and her husband were staying with my parents. My brother in law said or did something that upset Dad, and he flew at my brother in law and began beating him. My brother in law responded in kind. My mom and my sister had to drag them off of each other, right there in the living room. When they both demanded to know what in the hell was going on, Dad said, with no trace of irony or embarrassment, that since there was a younger, stronger man in the house, he was afraid that he'd "take over" and become the new "man of the house."
He wasn't worried about romance with my mom - she didn't like this son in law, and I think that the feeling was mutual. He wasn't comparing incomes, since he was retired and Mom was the major breadwinner. He was worried about status, and was sure that his was in jeopardy, just because someone else was younger and stronger. And, he decided to defind that status by inflicting violence, on a family member, because that apparently made sense to him.
(No, charges were not filed.)
I thought about Dad as I listened to the news reports of a statement given by an elderly man about an incident at his home. He said that there had been a "big black man, over six feet" tall on his porch. He was sure that the man was "reaching for the door handle" and that he was in danger. So, he shot the "man," once through the door and once after he'd fallen.
As most people know by now, the "man" was a 16 year old kid trying to pick up his siblings. He'd accidentally gone to a house on 115th Terrace when he was looking for a house on 115th Avenue.
Also in the news in the same week are a young woman shot because her car used a driveway as a turnaround, two young women shot when they accidentally tried to get into the wrong car in a parking lot, and a 6 year old and her dad, shot after the ball she was playing with rolled into a neighbor's yard.
My dad had a history of, shall we say, aggrassively defending his property. I cannot picture him hunting down a jogger because he thought they "didn't belong" in the neighborhood. But he did once sleep on the patio with a gun all summer long, and once chased my friends down the street with a loaded shotgun after they knocked on my window at night. If Dad thought that you'd set foot on his property uninvited, all bets were off.
So, as you might imagine, I can picture my family ending up on one of those news shows. I can picture my dad becoming frightened, picking up his gun, and something going very wrong. I feel, very deeply, the sentiment of "there but for the grace of God go I."
I can imagine him being horrified if someone actually died, but I'm very sure that he would also double down on his reasoning. He wouldn't use the word "frightened" - he'd say "threatened." "I felt threatened. They were on my property without permission." That, in his mind, would mean that he was justified.
No one wants to think that their loved ones are, or could be, dangerous. That's because we equate "dangerous" with "evil" or "a bad person." The reality is, everyone can be dangerous under the right circumstances. It's an ordinary reality. Feeling unsafe or victimized is almost a guarantee that a person will lash out. But aside from the reality that ordinary people, who are not evil, can be a danger, we also need to also acknowledge that feeling that you are in danger does not mean that you are in danger.
Our laws, and most people's moral codes, say that you are justified in defending yourself or others. But, what if you feel endangered, but there is no actual danger?
It's a muddier reality than one in which it's easy to separate "bad" people from "good" people - but the idea that those divisions are easy, accurate and self evident has always been fiction.
And yes, reacism is absolutely a huge problem that must be addressed. I'm not including it here simply because fixing it will not eliminate all of these problems. In our case, my brother in law and my terrified teenage friends are white.
So, I find myself wondering what I'd say to my dad, if I could, and if he'd listen. Part of that is easy; I decided years ago that it's my job to do or say the right thing even if it is not recieved well (or at all). I have doubts about whether my dad would be interested in hearing my thoughts on the matter. But I find myself formulating them, anyway.
Maybe no one else will want to hear them, either. But I'm going to share them, anyway. Here's what I think people who might be a danger need to hear.
Look, I know that you are not a bad person. I know that your intent is actually to protect. But what you are doing is dangerous.
I know that you're thinking, "The world is a dangerous place! I am just reacting!" But look at the odds. You have decided that ordinary actions by other people equate to danger. "People are hurt every day!" you say. "They get killed going to school, or shopping, or to work." Yes; they are, by and large, hurt by people with guns. You are feeling unsafe, by and large, because other people have guns, but you think that you having one makes you safer. If more guns equalled more safety, society would be getting safer and safer every day, because there are record numbers of guns in our homes. But is society safer and safer?
And how often are people knocking at your door dangerous? The percentages are tiny. Thieves and rapists and murderers generally just do not walk up and knock on your door. They break in. So, your best defense is not a gun, it's locks. Have locks on your windows. Lock your doors. Even if you're home, lock your door. Even if someone has knocked already and your door is unlocked, lock it. If they reach for the handle, lock it.
And if they try to break it down, or if they break your windows? Then, you can know, absolutely, that they mean you harm. You can defend your home with the certainty that you are justified.
But if someone just knocks, or if they simply walk on to your property? Tell them to leave. Most times, they will. Seriously, they will. If they don't, call 911, announce that cops are on their way, and hunker down,
But until someone engages in a hostile act, assume that they are not a threat. Deciding that everyone is bad and out to get you will mean that most times, you are wrong. (Plus, it makes you miserable.) Identifying a threat means actually seeing a threat, not just observing that a person exists. You are not being vigilant by being wrong. You are not becoming a target by giving others around you safety. If you don't want others to shoot you just because you are there, you can't shoot them for it.
You know that people are the real threat, and that weapons only act when people operate them. So avoid being one of the people who uses them badly.
Then, you will be safer, and I will be safer, and our neighborhoods and cities will be safer - which will make you happier.
