Lennon Had It Wrong

I recently read an article in the local paper about underage prostitution. Local law enforcement said that, when they apprehend an underage girl engaging in prostitution, their first priority is to separate the girl and her pimp for as long as possible, in order to convince the girl that the pimp doesn't really love her. Only then, the thinking goes, will she be willing to leave "the life."

I have great respect for law enforcement, social services and others who work in these areas, but it seemed to me that they were missing the point here. I realize that they have years of experience, and often education and degrees that I do not, but I would approach things differently.

First, it will be extremely difficult to convince a girl that her boyfriend or father figure doesn't love her. Ironically, the worse she has been treated, the tougher it will be. She will hang on tighter and tighter if someone tries to "take him away." The idea of not being loved is so unthinkably painful that she will avoid that conclusion at all costs, especially if she's used to being let down, disappointed, exploited or feeling unloved.

The thing is, I don't think it matters if he loves her. Sometimes, as much as these damaged men are capable, they do care about the girls. Sometimes, they do treat them better than anyone else ever has. It still doesn't matter. Whether he loves her is irrelevant.

I would tell her that, with all due respect to the songwriting genius of John Lennon, philosophically he had it all wrong. Love is not all you need. It's a nice starting point, but it's not necessary in order for someone to treat you well.

If someone is asking you to do something illegal, potentially dangerous or potentially harmful, it doesn't matter if they love you. It is wrong of them to ask you. Especially if it goes against your wishes, it is extraordinarily wrong for them to either ask again or force the issue. It does not show love on your part if you say "yes" to such a request. It shows a lack of good judgement, and probably a tragic lack of self esteem.

I wouldn't waste my time trying to convince her that her pimp doesn't love her. I'd tell her, "It's irrelevant. It doesn't matter."

I feel the same way about people who are violent or controlling or otherwise abusive toward their partners. I cannot believe it when people excuse that behavior by saying, "But I know that he loves me. He doesn't really mean it (the bad behavior)." Everyone has bad days, loses their cool, hurts your feelings. That's part of being human. Broken bones, threats of death, hospital stays and more - these things are not OK. It truly, completely does not matter who loves whom.

People say, "But he loves me," or, "But I love her," as though it means that everyone will say, "Oh, well, OK then, that changes everything." No. It is irrelevant. It may be a fact, but it's a fact like, "Water freezes at 32 degrees Fahrenheit." It has zero bearing on the situation at hand.

Just because you love someone, or they love you, does not mean that the relationship is healthy. If the relationship is unhealthy, it's bad for both of you, and both of you will benefit if it is ended. Feeling in pain because it ended or missing them does not mean that you did the wrong thing ending it or that you should have stayed. It means that you're human. If it's unhealthy, get out.

Some people do not believe in monogamy, and those people should only be in relationships with partners who also do not believe in monogamy. If cheating or multiple partners are a problem for one partner, then the relationship is unhealthy if the other partner insists on going outside the marriage for intimacy (whether or not the other partner knows about it). It does not matter if you love each other.

This is another situation in which, "But I love you," or, "But he loves me," are deeply irrelevant. I cannot imagine what people are thinking when they attempt to explain straying by saying to a distraught partner, "But I love you," or, "But I don't love him/her." You might as well say, "I had my teeth cleaned on Tuesday." It's a fact, but an irrelevant one. "He loves me, he's a good father and provider, and he comes home every night," also falls into this category. Bully for him. That doesn't mean that he can do no wrong.

Never let someone tell you that if you love them and they love you, anything goes. They are wrong.

Practice saying it - "That is irrelevant." Practice meaning it. Sometimes, love is irrelevant.